Wednesday, October 8

i am broken.. (lumbay ang buhay)

I am so broke…


I feel like I lost everything…


I don’t have a job… I don’t have money.. My cell phone is broken and my heart is broken…


I feel so stupid… I fell in love with my closest friend… and he just broke my heart…


I don’t know… I feel so stupid for choosing to believe him when I know from the very start that he is not serious or the feeling will just be temporary…



I cried… yes, I wasted tears for him… I don’t know… Its just that I miss our bonding… I feel like he or we wasted our friendship… I am so going to miss everything we used to do… I was just so attached to the friendship and the bonding we had… the kind of friendship that you share almost everything… its like we are inseparable…


We share locker… kami pa nga yung unang kumuha ng locker sa batch naming eh… nasa 4th floor locker naming kasi dun yung floor talaga namin pero sa 5th floor training room naming… kaya kung sino mauna pumasok kukunin na lang din nya yung gamit ng isa…


We share toothpaste… kukuha muna ako tapos ibibigay ko sa kanya… maarte kasi yun eh.. matagal sa washroom..


We go to the washroom together… of course he will go the men’s and I go to the women’s… hehehe


We refill our bottle with water together…


We eat our lunch together….


We always sit beside each other…


We got a lot of plans for our station… we planned to put our picture in our station since we sit together… before we even went to the operations floor for the a-bay or nesting as what others call it, we already promised each other that if we will be allowed we will be sitting together and we will be designing our station…


Every first break (back on training) we always go to the pantry and eat chicharon.. he loves chicharon.. also we always buy peanuts and eat it inside the training room…


If I cant finish my food he always finish it for me… ahihi…


Before we go home after the shift we usually go to jolibee to eat.. he loves jolibee.. his favorite is spicy jolly chicken joy even if he is allergic to chicken… tsktsktsk


We laughed at almost everything…


He always copies my expressions…



Our closeness started when he opened up to me about how he felt with our co trainee… kasi bigla siyang inaway… and mas lalo pa kami nagging close kasi sinamahan ko siya sa chinabank after our training para mapapain-cash yung checque nya… that was for our training allowance… nilibre nya ako sa macdo after that… and that was the time he started to open up about his family and his life…


I guess that was the time na parang nagpapasama nah siya sa akin kung saan man siya magpunta… parang lahat na ng cotrainees namin nasa loob na ng training room after lunch pero kaming dalawa nasa labas pa ng building…


Mas lalo pa kami nagingclose nung nasa isang acount na kami.. again it was because of his check for his training allowance.. lagi kasing mali yung apelyido na nalalagay sa check nya kaya lagging late… that time he asked me again or did I volunteered to accompany him… I don’t know, I forgot… but that time we weren’t able to go to the bank… pano kasi d pa din napirmahan yung checque nya… that time he lost his coin purse… he lost his money... the only money left was the change of the jeepney fare that he slipped directly to his pocket… me, as a friend I told him nah ililibre ko na lang siya ng lunch since may pera naman ako from our training allowance din… nahiya pa nga ang loko eh… hwag na lang daw.. hay naku… hahayaan mo bah naman ang kaibigan mo maglaway jan samantalang ikaw kumakain?.. lalo na at alam ko malakas kumain yun… hahahahaha….


Neweiz, after lunch that was the time he told me nah “oh, partners na tayo sa lahat ng bagay hah? Pagmagccr ka, magccr din ako…”


Natawa nga ako eh.. but I agreed.. happy ako syempre nah sinabi nya yun kasi parang mas lalo pa kami maging close


Halos siguro lahat ng co trainees na intriga sa closeness namin… hahaha…


Pano bah naman kasi nung first day ng training syempre introduce yourself muna.. we were asked to give 2 truths and 1 lie and then everybody will guess what was the lie… I cant think of any statement for my lie… so I asked him to give me one.. he told me to tell everybody that he is my boyfriend and that will be the lie… so I agreed and I did it… ahihihi…..



Fastforward……



Time came, that he kept telling me that he is falling inlove with me… dami nya sinabi… pero di ako naniwala… sabi pa nya sanay na daw siya na kasama ako araw-araw… told him that he doesn’t really love me, nasasanay lang siya na kasama ako… he kept insisting… sabi niya happy siya na nakikita yung dimples ko at nakikita nah nakatawa din ang mata ko evrytime I laugh… there was even the time na parang nilayuan nya ako kasi daw naiinlove na daw siya sakin.. hay naku…. Hindi talaga ako naniwala that time… alam ko naman nah hindi niya maiiwan yung girlfriend nya or magkakabalikan pa din sila kasi nga saying yung five years.. pero sabi nya “its not about how long the relationship had been it about being happy with it” I believe in that too but I didn’t believe that he love me… yun bang, alam ko na sanay lang xa kasama ako kya excited siya pumasok pero hindi nya talaga sure na love nya ako…hay naku alam ko mga kagagohan ng mga lalaki dahil madami akong kaibigang lalaki… basta ganun.. but he kept on insisting…



Neweiz, naattached ako sa kanya… sa bonding namin.. parang feeling ko kasi sa kanya lang ako comfortable… I treated him as my bestfriend not just in PS but in MM… yung parang siya lang yung kaclose ko talaga… Natouched nga ako nung una nya sinabi sa akin na namiss daw niya ako… para pa nga siyang nagdadalawang isip na sabihin sa akin yun eh… hahahaha… naisip ko nga nun, “wow he value our friendship”… siguro nga nasanay siya sa bonding namin kaya nasabi nya yun.. kaya nung nagresign siya iyak ako ng iyak.. of couse, I will miss all the things we used to do… it feels like my PS life wont be the same without him…



So yeah, eventually we had the stupid relationship.. parang naniwala na lang ako sa kanya dahil sa mga pinapakita nya… pero kahit parang may relasyon na kami I was still in doubt.. parang sinasabi ko pa nga sa kanya nah sabihin nya lang sa akin kung ginagago nya lang ako..hahayz.. stupid me.. syempre idedeny nya yun.. hahaha.. pero I have known right from the start that all this things will happen… its just that umasa ako na hindi… I believed of the sign… kasi naman I had this dream na nakita ko father niya although I haven’t really met him… my imagination when it comes to his father is yung medyo bansot (hindi katangkaran) at medyo malaki yung tiyan… sa dream ko he was tall and thin… when I so his picture sa celphon nya parang nashock ako kasi that was the man I saw in my dream… ayun, sabi niya sign na daw yun… at that point, natawa lang ako… hindi pa ako naniniwala… sa later part na lang ako naniwala nung parang pinili ko nah na paniwalaan xa…



It wouldn’t have hurt this so much if he would have been man enough to break the bond with me.. hindi yung bigla na lang siya mawala… at inaway pa ako ng gf nya hah… tsktsktsk… pero nagkausap na kami ng gf nya… told her everything nah… I hope were already ok… I think we are… I promised her that di ko sila gugulohin.. hay naku d ako yung ganung klaseng babae noh?.. sa ganda kung to maghahabol sa bansot at matabang yun… hahahaha…. Nasayangan lang talaga ako sa friendship… parang I trusted him that he wont waste our friendship just for that.. kaya ganun…



Feeling ko nga I never really loved him after allnasayangan lang kasi ako sa bonding naming eh… namiss ko lang samahan naming sa PS… how I wish we will be given the chance to talk para everything will be clear and everything will be ok nah… I got a lot of questions for him… I want to clarify everything and I want to learn from him… hay naku… if only we didn’t have that stupid relationship sana friends pa din kami…



Ayoko na man talaga awayin siya eh.. feeling ko mahihirapan ako magmove-on kung galit ako sa kanya.. and that’s why gusto ko siya makausap…



Hay naku here is another not-so-weird thing… ahihi.. I used to write poems which talks about me being broken hearted when infact that time I never felt like broken hearted… I used to listen to break up songs and songs that has grudge with boys… its like I want to know how it feels and now I have felt it… ahihihi… and now that I am feeling it im not so sure if I can write a poem anymore…tsktsktsk



Hay naku… everything is just to fast… from planet days to nsi days and now its all gone… it ended just like that… oh well, that’s life..



They told me I will find another him.. I told myself I will find a better mantake note not a better him coz he is not even worth it… lol… I will find a better man, somebody that God will give me….


They told me that what a broken heart needs is another heart to love it… I asked them who will save me from this?... I answered myself its gonna be myself with my God…

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