Friday, October 24

how am i?

i have been txting with few of my friends today... everytime they ask me how am i this is what i tell them...

im ok... im just suffering from mild depression, nostalgia and paranoia... and you can also include mild astraphobia... i need a psychiatrist or a psychologist...

i told them, i just need somebody will just listen to me talk... i just feel so alone right now...

Jay told me that i should go out with my friends here... i told him that i dont know anybody from here.. my only friends here are them (planeteers 62) and i cant even reach them... if bulacan is near from our place i was supposed to go there because he is a teacher in bulacan and they are having their UN celebration...

iking and i were talking about growing... i told iking that i really want to go back to leyte, i guess this is just what happens when your a spoiled brat and youre used to being with friends and then suddenly your alone... (well, im not totally alone, im with my sis but we dont get to talk me coz she's always asleep) i want to go home but i want to stay because i want to grow... Iking actually agreed coz its also what he is feeling right now... all we could do is to encourage both of us that we can do this and we can cross this trial...
when raf asked me how am i, i told him the same thing... about how i am feeling and that i miss them too... all the planeteers...

raf: h2 oky namn kami ni Win s floor, bkt knmn nagdadaan s mga ganyang prob? Nasaan nah c jaz?

me: hehe.. ikamuztah mo ako kay sherwin hah.. buti pa kau.. mis ko nah talaga kau... katxt ko pala c kamuning kanina we were thinking of a reunion. paul suggested bubbagump greenbelt3. kamuning wanted a place na centro sa ating lahat para fair daw..

jaz is gone with the wind... lost in the middle of nowhere... the friend i tot i can run to when i need him is suddenly gone..

grabe.. namis ko kau.. nagapply ako kahapon,i saw those newbies.. naalala ko tau nung job offere.. we were so excited.. comparing our scheds... lalo nah kau ni grace kasi d bah tau naman talaga ung magkabatch sa preassesment?.. hehehe

so yeah.. there goes the conversation... i told him that i used to be emotionally strong but now im getting emotionally weaker... and all raf could do is to tell me to continue to be with God... to surrender all my problems to God because only God can help me...

jas: ano bah problema mo?

(i was quiet shocked why he asked me that... is it really for me?... but i answered it anyway.. i guess natamaan sa txt ko.. haha)

me: huh?.. wla naman naman akong problema.. im just suffering from mild mental disorders... and i need a psyhologist or a psychiatrist.. hhaha.. bakit?.. ikaw? ano problema mo?

jas: see, jst as i tot, ur not gonna tell me what keepz u bothering, nd ur ending up lyk u hav mental disorder evnthough u dont hv!?. what's wrong with u?. is it me?..

me: hahaha.. how come its u?... ok i am suffering from mild depression, nostalgia and paranoia.. u can also include mild astraphobia.. ahihihi...

have u ever had the feeling that u cry for no particular reason at all?.. you want to talk to somebody but there is no body?...

me: my life is boring..

i dont have a job...

i miss the people in my life..

i miss the people in leyte and i miss my friends in PS.. i miss PS...

the only close friend i have in mm whom i think i can run to is gone with the wind...

i have nobody to talk to..

i feel isolated..

that is what is so wrong with me...

---------

oh well, does anybody out there got the cure for these?... thankzzzzzzz.....
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Thursday, October 23

is this nostalgia? or paranoia?.. *sigh*

hay naku...


have you ever had the feeling that you just want to cry for almost no particular reason at all?... and there is no shoulder that you can lean on... nobody to cry with...

i dont know... but right now i really feel like crying...

ive been having this feeling since yesterday... while inside the recruitment center of this company w8ing for my turn, i just felt like i am so alone... there was a lot of people passing by because i was waiting outside it was just near the mrt station... while waiting i felt like my tears are going to fall and my heart is aching...

i dont really understand myself...

and i miss all my friends from PeopleSupport... i can see ourselves with all those newbies comparing their schedules... we were also excited like them... when we had our job offer, we were so excited who will be going together in the same account...

i miss them.. i miss the building... i miss everything... it just feels like it will be different after that... where will i be? who will be my friend by then?... will i find another close friend and be attached again?.. i dont want it to happen anymore...

slept really late last night or was that early in the morning? i dont really know.. it feels like i cant breathe.. there goes my loud sighs again...

somehow... i wish to go back to college... where all that matters is my grades... and even though we had those sleepless nights, we were still having fun...

and if i could turn back time... i would correct all the mistakes ive done... oh well, like what they always say.. we learn from our mistakes...

oh my gosh.... my tears are starting to fall...


i think i just have this mild case of nostalgia or is this paranoia?

neweiz, ill be attending prayer and worship night in Victory tonight... i guess ill just have to pour all this tears in front of God...
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Monday, October 20

i have solved my first cube

Wow.. I finally solved my first rubik’s cube…


Well, yeah, I have solved it before when PSfriend was teaching me how to, but it didn’t felt like I solved it myself coz he was the one who did the first move in solving the last layer…


Credits goes to PSfriend since he really did teach me how to solve it and I have already mastered solving the first and second layer and to How To Solve A Rubik's Cube - Step by Step Directions.


I have been watching some guide in youtube but I didn’t really take it seriously… I want to download it but I cant.. too bad we don’t have internet connection at home.. so all I had to do is to search for step by step guide in google… and that site I found is helpful.. I downloaded the site and followed the guide at home..



Neweiz, I wasn’t really into this rubik’s cube thingy until lately…


My bestfriend Yen was already into it back in college and she even got a youtube video of herself solving it. It guess she was influenced by a classmate who won an international prize for solving the cube…


Back in PS days, I don’t know what have gotten into the mind of my friend when he kept talking about rubik’s cube… he bragged about solving the cube fast… I was trying to challenge him so we made a deal that ill buy him a cube and he will show off and then buy me a notebook that I can use during the training.. the next day, he did buy two notebooks for each one of us… i promised to buy the cube the next week since I had to go to Robinsons Galleria to buy a cube and our shift that time ends at 10pm..


I was actually able to buy him a cube and its not from Galleria it’s the substandard cube that is only 25php and it didn’t last long… the blocks were totally dislocated after how many times of twisting and turning it.. haha…


Neweiz, I found a really cute rubik’s cube in Galleria. Its from Toys R Us and it was on sale… its actually worth 199.75php but if you buy two you’ll get it for only 299.75php… its actually a keychain and I found it cute… I love it coz each of us can both have one and he can teach me how to solve it… oh well, I love my rubik’s cube although im not really good at it.. hahaha



2:00 am 10/20/2008

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Tuesday, October 14

this is so konpyusing

Watil: Gak, are you happy?
Me: Yup. I am happy but the total me is not totally happy...

Well, I should be happy. Everything is quiet well now... all i did the past 2 days was strolling around SM Mall of Asia, Glorieta and Robinsons Galleria, ate delicious foods from Congo Grille, Tsoko-Nut and Carlo's Pizza, i got a new dress from Plains & Prints, i got a new air bed, new set of beddings with comforter and two new pillows all sponsored by my sis... everything seems ok now...

neweiz, this is what happened to my life...

I went to SM MOA last Saturday. I went there because my sister promised go out with me an buy me a new dress and to treat me with something yummy... well, she kept telling me to eat a lot because I am loosing weight. Neweiz, we went to Congo Grille (MOA) with my sister's officemates or agents. Although I cant really relate to their topic, at least I enjoyed the food and I have eaten a lot... lol..

After that, we stroll around MOA and looked for a dress... I browsed at Kasheica first I found something nice but I want black it was brown I got a lot of brown dress already, my sis wont buy that for sure...lol.. so yeah, we went out and looked for the BAYO boutique but as we passed by Penshoppe I told my sis that I want a picture (they have this background sat up for picture taking...ahihihi... I cant find anything nice in BAYO so we had to go to the dept store still I cant find anything... I told my sis that maybe ill just try to look for something in Galleria after the Sunday service but she wants us to go to Glorieta so we rode taxi and went there. We went to Cinderella but I can't find anything. Neweiz, finally I found a black dress from Plains and Prints.

We went to the activity Center in Glorieta we didn't really do anything, we just sat there and rested. After that we went to Tsoko-Nut in SM Makati and ate and finally went home. I even went out to the internet café to post my pics after I transferred our photos to the flash drive.

I didn't worry about anything that day. Everything just went well... I was even thankful for I felt like a have moved on...

I was quiet tired but I have to wake up early to attend the Orientation for the Ushering Ministry in Victory-Ortigas. I went home for lunch. I needed to change outfit coz I will be starting my ministry.

I wanted to sleep coz my head is aching but I already told my small group leader that I will attend the small group (I was absent last week, I just told her to pray for me). So yeah, I attended the small group and I have started my ministry to God.

Neweiz, I shared to my small group that God must have done this to my life because I am loosing my way... this is to make me realize that I am getting far from Him again... He made me remember my promise to follow His way...

After the 5pm service, my sis and I went to the department store to buy a new bed for me. We got a new air bed, a new set of beddings with comforter, pillows and a new electric fan.

We also went to Metrowalk and ate at Carlos Pizza.

I got tired from all of these... ahihihi... its such a nice feeling that you are not really thinking about anything... ;)

I slept around three because I was talking with a friend over the phone... I was quiet tired that when I woke up, I cant find his text message and I have to asked myself did I reply or did I just erase everything... tsktsktsk....

Neweiz, I had a dream... a not-so-bad dream. I dreamt about him... it was that batch62 of Planet was having a reunion or something... he was not talking to me... it was like he was too ashamed of what he did or he just didn't want to talk to me... I felt like crying... I felt like breaking down... because I want to confront him but he was like pushing himself away from me... and its like he gave me back my things too (the weird thing is its not even my notebook.. hahaha.. but the notebook I was using back then in PS was given by him)and gave me the unfinished letter he wrote for me when we were still in PS... the letter was just nothing really, it was just that he will miss me if he will be gone blahblahblah... neweiz, I forgot the details of that dream but one thing is for sure, I woke up with an aching heart... it made me realized that I really need to talk to him to give me a peace of mind... he knows that.. I told him before that I am into confrontations. That I cant have peace of mind unless everything is settled and I cant have peace of mind without confrontation...

When I woke up after that bad dream I received a lot of good morning text.. I replied but only Ate Watil replied back... we had a good and not so serious conversation until she asked me if I am happy...
Watil : Gak, are you happy?
Me : Yup. I am happy but the total me is not totally happy...
Watil : same here.. im not also totally happy..
Me : but we have to be happy we have to choose to be happy...
Watil : happiness is just an illusion
Me : yeah... I choose to be happy but other emotions are promoting themselves....
Watil : this is so konpyusing...
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Thursday, October 9

friendship lost

Remember when we fist met?


We were in the same set


You started the conversation


And joked about my introduction




Well, I remember I just smiled with you


And gave comments on yours too


You called me Ms. American Accent


You were Acronym Master is my comment




You talked to me about something, days later


And then I tried to make you feel better


It’s a magic how it happened


You became my closest friend




It’s like we were joined at the hip


It’s a friendship nobody can rip


We made a pact to be each other’s partner


You told me that, remember?




One day you told me something


A confession I wasn’t expecting


I never really believed with what you did utter


I know from the start you’re a heartbreaker




One day, I played with your game


Promised myself to never be lame


You were just trained really well


I guess that’s why I fell




I wasted tears because of that


I guess I was a little stupid somewhat


It’s just that I missed the bonding we had


But somehow I am also glad




You are just so good at the start


You’re too coward to end your part


You think I am loosing, sliding down the ramp


But hey look, I am the real champ! 





10/09/2008 5:43am

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Wednesday, October 8

i am broken.. (lumbay ang buhay)

I am so broke…


I feel like I lost everything…


I don’t have a job… I don’t have money.. My cell phone is broken and my heart is broken…


I feel so stupid… I fell in love with my closest friend… and he just broke my heart…


I don’t know… I feel so stupid for choosing to believe him when I know from the very start that he is not serious or the feeling will just be temporary…



I cried… yes, I wasted tears for him… I don’t know… Its just that I miss our bonding… I feel like he or we wasted our friendship… I am so going to miss everything we used to do… I was just so attached to the friendship and the bonding we had… the kind of friendship that you share almost everything… its like we are inseparable…


We share locker… kami pa nga yung unang kumuha ng locker sa batch naming eh… nasa 4th floor locker naming kasi dun yung floor talaga namin pero sa 5th floor training room naming… kaya kung sino mauna pumasok kukunin na lang din nya yung gamit ng isa…


We share toothpaste… kukuha muna ako tapos ibibigay ko sa kanya… maarte kasi yun eh.. matagal sa washroom..


We go to the washroom together… of course he will go the men’s and I go to the women’s… hehehe


We refill our bottle with water together…


We eat our lunch together….


We always sit beside each other…


We got a lot of plans for our station… we planned to put our picture in our station since we sit together… before we even went to the operations floor for the a-bay or nesting as what others call it, we already promised each other that if we will be allowed we will be sitting together and we will be designing our station…


Every first break (back on training) we always go to the pantry and eat chicharon.. he loves chicharon.. also we always buy peanuts and eat it inside the training room…


If I cant finish my food he always finish it for me… ahihi…


Before we go home after the shift we usually go to jolibee to eat.. he loves jolibee.. his favorite is spicy jolly chicken joy even if he is allergic to chicken… tsktsktsk


We laughed at almost everything…


He always copies my expressions…



Our closeness started when he opened up to me about how he felt with our co trainee… kasi bigla siyang inaway… and mas lalo pa kami nagging close kasi sinamahan ko siya sa chinabank after our training para mapapain-cash yung checque nya… that was for our training allowance… nilibre nya ako sa macdo after that… and that was the time he started to open up about his family and his life…


I guess that was the time na parang nagpapasama nah siya sa akin kung saan man siya magpunta… parang lahat na ng cotrainees namin nasa loob na ng training room after lunch pero kaming dalawa nasa labas pa ng building…


Mas lalo pa kami nagingclose nung nasa isang acount na kami.. again it was because of his check for his training allowance.. lagi kasing mali yung apelyido na nalalagay sa check nya kaya lagging late… that time he asked me again or did I volunteered to accompany him… I don’t know, I forgot… but that time we weren’t able to go to the bank… pano kasi d pa din napirmahan yung checque nya… that time he lost his coin purse… he lost his money... the only money left was the change of the jeepney fare that he slipped directly to his pocket… me, as a friend I told him nah ililibre ko na lang siya ng lunch since may pera naman ako from our training allowance din… nahiya pa nga ang loko eh… hwag na lang daw.. hay naku… hahayaan mo bah naman ang kaibigan mo maglaway jan samantalang ikaw kumakain?.. lalo na at alam ko malakas kumain yun… hahahahaha….


Neweiz, after lunch that was the time he told me nah “oh, partners na tayo sa lahat ng bagay hah? Pagmagccr ka, magccr din ako…”


Natawa nga ako eh.. but I agreed.. happy ako syempre nah sinabi nya yun kasi parang mas lalo pa kami maging close


Halos siguro lahat ng co trainees na intriga sa closeness namin… hahaha…


Pano bah naman kasi nung first day ng training syempre introduce yourself muna.. we were asked to give 2 truths and 1 lie and then everybody will guess what was the lie… I cant think of any statement for my lie… so I asked him to give me one.. he told me to tell everybody that he is my boyfriend and that will be the lie… so I agreed and I did it… ahihihi…..



Fastforward……



Time came, that he kept telling me that he is falling inlove with me… dami nya sinabi… pero di ako naniwala… sabi pa nya sanay na daw siya na kasama ako araw-araw… told him that he doesn’t really love me, nasasanay lang siya na kasama ako… he kept insisting… sabi niya happy siya na nakikita yung dimples ko at nakikita nah nakatawa din ang mata ko evrytime I laugh… there was even the time na parang nilayuan nya ako kasi daw naiinlove na daw siya sakin.. hay naku…. Hindi talaga ako naniwala that time… alam ko naman nah hindi niya maiiwan yung girlfriend nya or magkakabalikan pa din sila kasi nga saying yung five years.. pero sabi nya “its not about how long the relationship had been it about being happy with it” I believe in that too but I didn’t believe that he love me… yun bang, alam ko na sanay lang xa kasama ako kya excited siya pumasok pero hindi nya talaga sure na love nya ako…hay naku alam ko mga kagagohan ng mga lalaki dahil madami akong kaibigang lalaki… basta ganun.. but he kept on insisting…



Neweiz, naattached ako sa kanya… sa bonding namin.. parang feeling ko kasi sa kanya lang ako comfortable… I treated him as my bestfriend not just in PS but in MM… yung parang siya lang yung kaclose ko talaga… Natouched nga ako nung una nya sinabi sa akin na namiss daw niya ako… para pa nga siyang nagdadalawang isip na sabihin sa akin yun eh… hahahaha… naisip ko nga nun, “wow he value our friendship”… siguro nga nasanay siya sa bonding namin kaya nasabi nya yun.. kaya nung nagresign siya iyak ako ng iyak.. of couse, I will miss all the things we used to do… it feels like my PS life wont be the same without him…



So yeah, eventually we had the stupid relationship.. parang naniwala na lang ako sa kanya dahil sa mga pinapakita nya… pero kahit parang may relasyon na kami I was still in doubt.. parang sinasabi ko pa nga sa kanya nah sabihin nya lang sa akin kung ginagago nya lang ako..hahayz.. stupid me.. syempre idedeny nya yun.. hahaha.. pero I have known right from the start that all this things will happen… its just that umasa ako na hindi… I believed of the sign… kasi naman I had this dream na nakita ko father niya although I haven’t really met him… my imagination when it comes to his father is yung medyo bansot (hindi katangkaran) at medyo malaki yung tiyan… sa dream ko he was tall and thin… when I so his picture sa celphon nya parang nashock ako kasi that was the man I saw in my dream… ayun, sabi niya sign na daw yun… at that point, natawa lang ako… hindi pa ako naniniwala… sa later part na lang ako naniwala nung parang pinili ko nah na paniwalaan xa…



It wouldn’t have hurt this so much if he would have been man enough to break the bond with me.. hindi yung bigla na lang siya mawala… at inaway pa ako ng gf nya hah… tsktsktsk… pero nagkausap na kami ng gf nya… told her everything nah… I hope were already ok… I think we are… I promised her that di ko sila gugulohin.. hay naku d ako yung ganung klaseng babae noh?.. sa ganda kung to maghahabol sa bansot at matabang yun… hahahaha…. Nasayangan lang talaga ako sa friendship… parang I trusted him that he wont waste our friendship just for that.. kaya ganun…



Feeling ko nga I never really loved him after allnasayangan lang kasi ako sa bonding naming eh… namiss ko lang samahan naming sa PS… how I wish we will be given the chance to talk para everything will be clear and everything will be ok nah… I got a lot of questions for him… I want to clarify everything and I want to learn from him… hay naku… if only we didn’t have that stupid relationship sana friends pa din kami…



Ayoko na man talaga awayin siya eh.. feeling ko mahihirapan ako magmove-on kung galit ako sa kanya.. and that’s why gusto ko siya makausap…



Hay naku here is another not-so-weird thing… ahihi.. I used to write poems which talks about me being broken hearted when infact that time I never felt like broken hearted… I used to listen to break up songs and songs that has grudge with boys… its like I want to know how it feels and now I have felt it… ahihihi… and now that I am feeling it im not so sure if I can write a poem anymore…tsktsktsk



Hay naku… everything is just to fast… from planet days to nsi days and now its all gone… it ended just like that… oh well, that’s life..



They told me I will find another him.. I told myself I will find a better mantake note not a better him coz he is not even worth it… lol… I will find a better man, somebody that God will give me….


They told me that what a broken heart needs is another heart to love it… I asked them who will save me from this?... I answered myself its gonna be myself with my God…

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