Thursday, December 25

another christmas

Merry Christmas all!... may the true spirit of Christmas fill your heart not just today but always...

oh well, i have been greeting everybody a merry christmas... i have been trying to be merry this christmas... waaaaahhh..

ive been trying to smile, laugh and all.. i shared chocolates with my teammates, greeting everybody ith all out smile tryng to hide what i really feel inside..

i feel like im cursed.. every christmas is not really that merry for me... its either, i have a problem, a fight with my sibling, im alone, bored or heartbroken...

i dont know, but this christmas is just so boring... this is actually the first december that i never been to a party.. and this is the first christmas that i am away from home... i am with my sister actually but we didnt really celebrated christmas.. we just slept and didnt had a noche buena...

yesterday or shall i say yesternight, my friend and i had to walk home from galeria... he hates the long queue to ride a jeepney... he has been asking sory and asking me if its ok with me to just walk.. told him, its ok it doesnt matter and i dont mind besides i want to be exhausted so i can sleep... im insomniac and i hate it...

i was laughing with the silly and corny joke we had but the truth is i am bleeding inside... i dont know why... i just feel alone.. plus i felt like crying.. i dont know, i guess it was because i heard another sad love story again... i dont know why that i feel like i am the one who is hurt everytime i hear sad love story... i wasnt like this before.. waaaaahhhhhh...

also, i felt sad because i know that my christmas will just be boring... i miss my parents.. i miss home.. i miss everybody...

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this morning i was txting with a friend, my officemate who just had dengue.. she told me that, she will be back by january but she will be in another acount... she shared about her slight amnesia.. well, its not really amnesia but her brain got affected when she was ill that there are certain part of her life that she forget... i wish i was the one with that problem and not her.. she told me it is difficult but i want that... i want to forget certain part of my past... i want to be someone new.. waaaaahhh...

i wish i would finally completely accept the fact that those will forever be part of my life....

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we went to megamall today.. but before that, i had a small fight with my sis... i just hate being diturbed if i am talking with somebody on the phone..

neweiz, we watched Iskul Bukol (official entry of the MMFF).. its funny, really... and there was lots of people watching... but yet, i wasnt enjoying it that much... i dont know why... i am bored to death that even Tito, Vic and Joey cant take away my boredom..

upon going home, i told my sis that i will be staying in galeria first coz i will still have to look for something for our exchange gift.. actually i just dont wanna go home yet, i will be bored to death again... waaaahhh.. and i hate it, everytime i dont have anything to do, all i can do is buy something... stroll around and if i have the money buy something... waaaaaahhh.. i hate it its eating up my savings.. huhuhuh....

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anybody out there who can save me from this insanity?!...

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Friday, December 19

mood swing

waaaaaaaahhh.. i lost my headset... ano bah?.. ang tanga2 ko lang... lately i have been so out of my mind... i just leave my bag inside my locker and then go inside the operations floor without my headset... id set up my tools and then realize i forgot something... also i would leave the operations floor go to my locker and then realize i left my headset still connected to my multiplexer... waaaaaaahhhhhhh....

neweiz, change topic... lol

recently, i have been so overly dramatic... waaaahhh..

my closest friend in the office and i have been having a gap... its like he suddenly built a wall between us... there is now a gap... and i was like im doing him a favor coz i felt like its what he wants...

i dont really understand... what is so wrong with our friendship... we had a talk and he said that things has changed for him... and that is the reason for everything... i felt bad... but there is nothing i can do...

and honestly, i felt like being used again... he was even the one who asked me not to leave him... and now he is leaving me.. he was the one who told me that we will make a pact to help each other since we are almost in the same sitch... assured me to help me become whole again but he just broke me into smaller pieces..

now i felt like, disregarded since he no longer needs me... is that what a friend is?... i told him that friends should be together through ups and down...

i hate to think, but my ex boyfriend left me out of nowhere when he no longer needed me... and i never thought that a friend will do that to me too... people just love leaving me out of nowhere...

i am affected because we didnt have a fight... and suddenly things will turn up side down... we are still talking though since he said that we dont have to play deaf and blind and we can still talk... but what's with the sudden change?...

well, i hope i am just being overly dramatic... i hope my thoughts about what happened are just because of the mood swing..
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wish i am strong

what is so wrong with you?

yeah... its my fave line.. hahaha.. i kept asking my friends who love to bug me if what is so wrong with them... hahaha.. but that question is now coming back to me.. what is so wrong with me...

lately, i have been so insecure, emotional and all... i am feeling alone again... memories of the past has been haunting me again, reminding me of my stupidity... i have been crying for almost no particular reason again...

i have been telling my self im strong but im not... i pretend to be strong because i wanna be strong...

i have been trying to laugh at those sick jokes my colleagues were cracking... but eveytime we are silent and i am just staring at my monitor it makes me wanna cry... i want to have a lot of calls.. that way i can be busy and forget about myself but think of the customers concern...

my closest friend in the office has noticed the change.. he noticed that there is a gap between the two of us.. i noticed that too... i was thinking he is the one who has been keeping himself away from me... but maybe he is right, i am the one who is keeping the gap...

i dont know, i guess i am too emotional that i feel like i have nobody run about this... my "personal diary" is miles away... and oh, we are almost in the same sitch... tsktsktsk...

i dont understand myself... i want to cry... ive been giving out loud sighs... i cant cry infront of everybody.. but when i am alone that is the time that i let go of my emotion.. that is the only time i can let my tears fall...

paranoia please stay away from me... spirit of the past, stop bugging me... lonelines, please stay out from my door...

121508
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Tuesday, December 9

Christmas wishlist

hei, its almost Christmas..

days just go by without me noticing it... i guess its because of my sched...

but i installed a very cute application in my desktop at the office.. its a cute chrismas tree and it has a countdown to christmas... at least i would somehow feel the spirit of christmas coz honestly, i am not feeling it...

well, it could be because i am far from home.. and there is no sign of christmas in our apartment....

neweiz, i guess i better make my wishlist now... who knows somebody might be able to read my blog and grant any of my wish.. lol

not in order:

> Sony Ericson K810 or any SE cybershot phone... (i am really hoping i can buy this before the year ends but i promised my dad to buy him a new phone so i guess i should prioritized that)

> ipod (not really my priority, but i guess i have to save money for this)

> wi fi connection (or at least i am hoping my sis would reformat her laptop so that we can finally take advantage of the free wi fi from coffee shops.. starbuck perhaps...)

> good stats and hitting the metrics at work

> quality time with friends and family (at least those who are also here in MM)

> new dress, new outfit and new pants (so the guard wont give me another infraction.. hahaha)

> good health and more blessing for my family...


i dont know.. this is all i can think of right now... more to come soon.. hahaha..

im going to update this post if i can think of something else... lol

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
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