Sunday, September 12

Moving On with God

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:18

wow, i never really thought moving on will be easy.. specially with the intense feeling i had for him.. i gave him all, made a lot of sacrifices to save his life.. he was drowning but i saved him, and all i got was him breaking my heart..putuscinte

from the time i came back home, every night, i was crying... i would miss him, crazy thoughts would come in my mind... i would pray to God that our relationship will work even if we are far from each other. i would ask God to protect us and our relationship... until i had to give up, he has done something that broke my heart... i let go.. i ended our communication.. i was moving on...

it was really hard for me.. every night, i would cry.. nobody to talk to.. i kept everything to myself.. i have been praying, that even if he broke my heart, God would touch him, protect him.

when everybody left him, nobody to help him, he came back to me... he was drowning and i saved him.. he made promises.. assuring me, he will change and will never leave me again. never break my heart. i believed him again.. i thought he has learned.. i thought, God gave him to me.. i thought, everything is doing well between us... but he did it again... he hasnt change..putuscinte

when i found out about him with another girl, i was shocked, i couldn't understand how can he do that. he said, i was the only person that truly loves him, next to his mom, and will never want to loose me again.. but it was so easy for him to break my heart.. our plans are lost.. everything is lost..

when we talked, i had a lot of question for him, i hated the girl for she knows that he is still in a relationship... i wanted to save our family, i wanted to save our relationship but i just had to give up.. i still had a lot of questions for him but i didnt wait for his answers.

while we were talking, my heart was breaking, i cant sleep, i cant breath, but there wasnt a single tear that fell.. i can hear God telling me, he is not for me.. but that time, i was still being stubborn, i wanted to know, why this has to happen in my life.. why does he has to do this to me.. why does he has to ruin my life... i thought he was already for me... why?.. all i did was loved him and gave him all... but God just kept on insisting that he is not for me..

so i just prayed, i prayed that God will keep me sane... will hold my hand and wont leave me.. i prayed that he will help me move on.. i admitted i made a mistake, i asked forgiveness and i asked him to protect me...doa

God used people to talk to me, to finally open my eyes... on our first break up, i was quiet.. i kept everything to myself, but this time, i opened up my feelings to a few people.. i finally accepted the fact that i have loved a man who barely treats me right.. that i have loved a cheater... there were a lot of things about him that i chose to keep to myself, because i only wanted to see what i wanted him to be.... it was crazy, i was crazy.. i was blind...

last friday, i talked to my mom, i asked her to pray for me, for complete peace of mind.. honestly i was having crazy thoughts, i dont know what will happen to my future now.. i was feeling ruined...
she reminded me to just completely trust God.. she reminded me of
1. when Jesus calms the storm (Mark 4:35-40)
2. when Jesus let peter walk in the sea (Mathew 14:28-32)
3. the story of the Footprints in the Sand, when you thought that you were alone, God was carrying you

we prayed, and things are getting better really, i realized a lot of things...

last night we had cell group meeting here (bible study meeting).. our topic was on psalms 34.. and i was assigned to read verses 15-20.. and while as i was reading it, i was holding back my tears... i felt like it was talking about what is happening in my life now...

15. The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their cry.
16. the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth
17. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18. the Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.
19. Many are those afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
20. He guards, all his bones, not one of them is broken..

yes, i wanted to cry, i was touched by this passage.. I know God wont leave me.. all i did was love but they cheated on me..

Before i was with him, i told myself i will only accept the man that has asked me from my Father (God) but when he came, i was in a hurry and decided for myself.. i accepted him.. i learned to love him, i gave him all.. i didnt want to loose him, but i was praying that God will save me from this intense feeling, but still didnt want to loose him.. he did another mistake again, that even broke my parents trust, i was brought here but i was still into him... i was still trying to work things out, until the day i had to let go, i thought it was God's way to save me..
when he came back, i accepted him again and thought that he will change,.. i thought he might be really for me.. i thought we were already inseparable.. i loved him more.. it was late for me to realize everything... but not too late.. it was hard.. it was sudden.. but i know, God did it again, to save me, to save my future, to open my eyes..

im really getting better now.. i never thought it would be like this.. i thought i would cry out all night, every night but instead, im getting a good night sleep.. im moving on.. i remember telling myself, that i dont want to regret, because i didnt give us another chance.. i gave us a chance, he blew it,.. at least, all i did was loved him.. my conscience is clean, and i never failed to show him how much i loved him..

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