Tuesday, September 28

This is My Confessions

Im home from the hospital... i know, not many of you know what is really happening with my life now.. what is the real deal... a lot has been asking why i quit my job and there were speculations on it...

well, yes, i was pregnant but contrary to the gossips, i did not quit my job because i got pregnant, i wasnt aware until it was already two weeks since i got home or since i quit my job.. something happened that my family decided to take me back home, but if i have known, i wouldnt agree, staying at home for a year without income is boring... lol sengihnampakgigi

anyway, i didnt really talk about it because i wanted peace.. our relationship was fine, but things has been slowly changing... i tried to save our relationship until i found out something that made me give up... i let go.. yes, i love him so much but i let go... i had to... i chose to be quiet because i was trying to forget... and i thought, nobody would understand me... i was madly in love with a known heartbreaker..

i didnt really want the baby, he wanted this... when i found out i was pregnant, tears fell, i felt like my life has changed now.. im becoming a mother.. but i was also excited because when i told him about it, he showed excitement.. i thought, i would be going back to Manila.. we had plans... i was happy, i thought this baby is a blessing for our relationship...

a month later, we reconciled... i accepted him back... he made a lot of promises and i believed him... i thought he came back because God made us for each other... i was wrong... weeks before my due, he broke my heart again... i didnt want to give up on him... i was hoping and praying that he would change... i love him so much, i accepted everything about him... i saw him as the person that i wanted him to be... but things didnt turn out the way i hoped... again, i had to give up... i need to move on... i had to accept that we are not for each other...

now, its official, I am a single mom, and i was a single mom even before my baby is born... i delivered a very cute and healthy baby that looks a lot like him... its just so sad, they wont know each other... its so sad that he doesnt really care at all.. i have always thought that he will become a good father... but he is gone now...

never have i imagined myself being a single mom... all i wanted in my life is to get married, have a baby and see my baby's dad excited about it... see him play with our baby... i wanted to take care of the both of them... but then again, my life has changed..

i thought, i would shed a lot of tears when i see the baby because my baby doesnt have a dad, because the man i love just broke my heart... but, i shed tears of joy, when i saw my baby... its true, nothing compares to the happiness when a mom finally meet her baby that has lived in her womb for nine months...

i was so grateful that i had a safe delivery, and it wasnt really painful as i thought.. I wanted him to be with me when i give birth to our child, i wanted him to hold me but it was God who held my hand and God will be the father to my baby...

Yes, i still love him... sometimes, i would wonder how does it feel being with him now with our baby.. will he be proud with our baby... i still wonder how it would feel if he kept his promises... after everything he has done, my heart still loves him but my mind keeps telling me its more than enough, i should give up.. and i know, i have to use my mind this time...

im not the first single mom... some of them even see the dad often that i wonder how can they move on.. in my case, i probably will never see him anymore, which would help me move on... plus, i have a BIG God, He will keep me strong... kenyit


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